Jaded ...

Jaded... that's what I want to say....

Till I am back again... I am happy I am getting away, for a breather...

-shadow

Good things to come?

I hope things will be turning better as the year is coming to an end.
Its time to think of what I want to do and achieve for 2009. I hate resolutions.
I hate the bit that things don't usually work out the way you want them to be. That makes me a very unhappy girl.

Things I really want to do at this juncture is to give a good spa and grooming session for the kitties at home. I've been neglecting my two loves.

Till I blog again,
shadow

Priority ...

I am drained mentally...

Somehow this phase keeps ringing in my mind...

"Do not make a priority of someone if you are just an option in their life..."

I gonna live for myself... from this point onwards...

I am getting away again... an escapade, a form of relieve....
I am so looking forward.

Signed,
shadow

Footprints...

I am standing at the exact spot in the hospital but with a total different feel.
It was almost the exact words, " I'll come get you in 15 minutes.."

Some people came into your life, left foot prints in your heart and left. Some came and left messy foot prints and too left... either way .... they messed up your routines.

Que sara sara... as I mumbled to myself... he came. The attendent helped me to the seat and we left for dinner.

A trip to the hospital, not something I wanted in the first place, not something I wanted to hear from the doc as well... Suddenly the empowering hatred for myself sets in, yes, I hate myself ... so much...

I am nothing but trouble... problematic... I am a total piece of junk and a miserable emo one too.

Enough is enough ...

Simply, I cannot blog of good things of late... Everything is falling into pieces.

I have had enough... ENOUGH !

When can I end all these? How much longer?

"Oh, sweet sorrow, the time you borrow, will you be here when I wake up tomorrow?"

Signed ...
shadow - comparative darkness

Paul-san ...

The surgery was over and done with, from 1450hrs till 1645hrs and the feeling sucks, big time.

Frankly, I wanted to cry all the way home, as I looked around the folks in the recovery area, I saw them with family members. And I have to face this... all alone. It was then I remembered Julie and the pain she went through, alone! And now I can truly understand that.

I turned down the offer to be wheeled. I turn down the nice requests from the nurses, I told them I want to go through this alone .... That was right after I made that phone call that truly gave me the strength to take my first step out of the surgery ward ...

"I have problem walking. Just done. U think you can drop by?"

"I don't get off work till 5.30pm, ..... public transport.... peak hour....."

"Its ok then, thanks!"

Enough said, I'm never going to beg for anything from anyone now...

I suppose God has a purpose to everything, He never want to make me suffer right in the beginning. If was then when this sms came from him, "I am leaving city now and I am coming to get you". I made it to the pharmacy to collect my medication and I made it to the taxi queue and before I knew it, he whisked me off into the taxi, leaving a queue of people behind me ... staring at this big guy, almost carrying me ...

I turned to stare at him, tears in my eyes and I murmured, "Thank you stranger, Thank you Paul ..."

My innocent mind ....

I decided to skip my run and stayed in house, sipping my wine and listening to my favorite jazz.

Somehow, alot of things came to my mind... I can't help but to shed a few tears. Yes, I am tired, tired of all that has happened, that had once... made me happy and unhappy. Ironic, it is... but I want a break. I am looking forward to my medical leave, never did I know that a surgery, has indeed opened up my heart and mind to let thoughts slipped into my innocent mind, a mind so jaded with lust and hopes.... these have indeed set my heart to ponder what I really want in my life. I want my life to be simple, simplicity is the word, but why.... why... how can I achieve that? Am I difficult? Am I a perfectionist? Yes, Gerrie, where's the pivot point???
The answer is NO, NEVER ! ....

I need a break and that is all I wanna... a warrior rests, doesnt he???

Uncertainities ahead...

Just when I thought everything is going on just fine ...

If a surgery is inevitable, I am game enough to take the step.

Amidst, the uncertainities of what lies ahead, I went ahead to take a short break.

For this time, I managed to capture my memories ... of the food! And I am a one big sinner becoz I've been eating so sinfully. I swear I am at my fattest and most unfit stage now -- physically and mentally. Photographs to prove, be my judge, be very judgeful ...

Dai pai tong

Cha Chang Ting

I had meals and snacks at many other smaller joints... And I am feeling too guilty to post more pictures :) This is enough for me to feel bad for the longest time...

Till I pen again....

shadow

Shadow...

Back and again leaving soon....
Stress is a killer and I am glad I am able to take a short break, often...

"All love shifts and changes. I don't know if you can be wholeheartedly in love all the time..."

Till I blog again... adios, friends, farkers and losers ....

Penning off : Shadow
- like a shadow drifting... when there is darkness and a tiny ray of light... there is shadow and there is me....

Away from home...

Yes... And soon again I am taking a break ....
I love getting away. So much...

Wiser years to come...

He woke me up in the morning and still, I was almost late for work.

I found the nagging somewhat cute and interesting.

This is me, amidst that seriousness, discover the cute and playful me...

A fun event drinking over my birthday.

I built Chester! My first birthday gift! Love him to bits.

I am a year wiser...

Happy me, and many happy years ahead...

Shutting Me Self down ...

Dear all,

I am taking a hiatus away from work, the cruel realities and the superficial people around.
I am downright tired...

Till I am re-energised enough to face the world again, a short bye to all that have been or trying hard to be helpful. Fark you all... may the army of thousand fleas invade your hair and every part of your bodies.

Bitchy ! and thank you, its another way of me telling you people to go eat cowdung and die. Leave me alone and if no one's gonna tell you what a person you are, then be it, you are down right ugly, that's what you are!

Signed off,

Fark you all again!

Getting over ...

Getting over what been slapped on your face can be difficult...
To begin with, why should I even entertain!?

To them, I shunned away, everyone's living in their own dimensions, so fellow mates, keep your own ways of living to yourself... But spare a thought for others, that's what I can say!

Let's just put it this way, you live in your own dimensions, but dont expect others to live the way you do! Got it!? And please, get your own life and be happy with it.. I have my own to live too and enjoying the process of making my own a better one each day.

I may not be as healthy and as lively but I am enjoying every single moment, treasuring what I have with my own means to live a life more comfortably. That's what I asked for.. so stay away from me, live the life you want YOURSELF to be. Count me out, dont even give advice, coz if I need I will approach someone else.

I am planning for a quiet or few get aways for the following months, and am keeping myself busy with the logistics.

I am just frustrated with some that believes they are always right. Well, go on ... no one's stopping you! Jerks!

Lay off, back off, leave me alone!

Plans coming up, hopefully to surface soon... I want to share good news with all!

Till that happens, I believe very soon.... adios.

ps : Finally, its the weekend again and am looking forward to my zjmf! Thanks T dear...

Dashed hopes...

It has been a disappointment.. but life goes on...
My break is coming up and I am definitely gonna make it happen and making sure it is a good break...

I know I have not been blogging of late. I've been caught up with some health and work issues, that I need to sort out and they are taking alot of my Personal time.

But at least I have something to complaint about. :)
A couple of issues at hand that I need to sort out, and seriously, I hope there are good things to share till I blog again.

For Larry, yea, thank you, you've gotten what you always wanted to do ... getting back at me! And here you go... you've asked for it! You've lost something you've never ever imagine ... haha... what a joke you've been and a Jerk too! A loser you've always been and you will be .. well, that reminds me of someone... hm...

I've been logging in to this blog for umpteen times without much to write, I've lost the ability to write so much that I rather penned it down in my heart.

Till I have the new-found passion to blog again... I am checking out here, with all my love, and Thank you for those who have been loving me, just the way I am...

With the bottom of my heart, thank you,

Connie and yes, I love you too...

I hope you are better ...

Yea, bullshit... fuck them all dead.. doctors!

I have seriously nothing against them... But I am not alright! And can't they fucking tell!?
I am using this blog to track the amount of drugs I am on now ...

It was truly out of concern when the doc said " I hope you are alright... "
If I am alright and why is she giving me more medication !?

I am, officially, done! with my first legal dose of medication and I am starting my secondth..
And as long as I live, I am diligently, chomping down my medication as prescibed. And God knows, when will I stop all this shit...

I remembered, I told someone, this blog is going to be the least I can leave behind, if one day, just one day, I am not around anymore. Though for some reasons or another, I have chose to shut down my earlier part of my memories, in painful state. But here, I am taking this blog as a checkpoint to monitor my health and progress.

My blood test turned out fine, thank God. And I am scheduled for another a couple of months later. I am happy as life is, at this moment. There is nothing to worry about at this moment, life has been brisk and easy, I must say and I am glad. What can be worst?!

Nature has said he is trying to understand the complexity of life, truly I said I did... BUT, there are really too many grey patches, and I choose and I swear to my Grandfather's grave, that I will not try to understand anymore. Isn't it just peaceful if you don't want to know so much anymore?!

I want to be happy, just where I am now...

I know I've been too busy with work, but here's a few belated birthday greetings to:

Scotty, thank you being a friend for 20 years! Happy belated birthday! Trust you had a good one!

Steve, happy belated birthday. Keep mum, huh!? But I somehow remembered! Though a bit late!

To my dear Knapp, Happy xx Birthday this Sunday, may all your blessings and wishes come true! Last but not least, don't think so much la! Life is not so bad afterall, look around you, there are people that really, truly, need our attention! They are far more messed-up than we think they are. :)

Till I blog again, but before I end, thank you, dear for this afternoon. You pulled me out of shit, and I am grateful for that. Having a break away from the dungeons really helped. Good luck to your forthcoming exams, you can do it! Why, because I know you can. Chui ai hae yo!

Junkie...

I simply find it too amusing...
The boys were debating about their cultures and countries.
Well, what I can say is... at the rate I am going, I am turning into a drunken... big time!
Of late, I am becoming a druggie f**king junkie too. With my ongoing medication, I've been down with flu and sore throat and am taking additional drugs to recover. Looking at the amount of pills, I am taking, I am totally pissed, albeit scared. I have to recover fast, at least from the flu bug.

To him ... sa lang ha yo ... hansa bo go si po!

Penned With love,
Connie

Love

I am totally impressed by the working attitude of him...

Love him to bits ... If only... I can be like him...

Its like weeks I've been on my medication. I still hate the bitter aftertaste.

I had a dream.... and him ... why?

Random and such...

I thought I must as well post some pictures, my life and me.

I have just finished my golf with Roger. I could have taken some pictures in the green and with him, but I were then too engrossed in the game. I did well and that maketh me a happy girl.

My trip to Thailand, Bangkok and some of the pictures I shot along the way...

My first dinner after I touched down.

This is my all time favorite cafe, I make a point to enjoy my coffee in this cafe when I am in Bangkok. Nothing beats watching the world goes by while sipping my latte.

My dinner at 0200 hours.

My lunch in the weekend market, Chatuchek Market.
Tea Break.

My last coffee break before I left the country.

Our tuk tuk driver .. let's just call him Mr BCI...

Our driver... shy driver ... that sent us to the airport.

Lastly, my dear folks, did you see the angelic or the devil-ish side of me?

Bittersweet...

Smile... That's what I always do infront of the camera. To me, it is a form of respect to the camera and the camera man.



Happy I am, but I hate the bitterness of the medication. How long do I need to survive on that?
For that, I rather enjoy what I have... for now...

Bitter... Too Bitter...

I wonder why the aftertaste of the medication can be so bitter.

Why it lingers... no matter how much I quench myself with fluids...

Do I have to continue ... ?

Pills ...

The first day of my medication ...
I have to make it a point to condition my mind that I will be better soon.

... And I believe I will be better.

... I will emerge a stronger person... I pray...

Will You Miss Me?

Never did I expect.

"Will you miss me?"

A phone call ... Something sweet and lovely ... before the Jumbo takes off. Bon voyage...

Cyprus ...

I am reviving my blog for a reason :-

"Dun brood over things too much yea... No one mfg a lock withou a key, similarly God won't give problems without solutions! No one can go back and change a bad beginning BUT anyone can start now and create a successful ending .. heated gold becomes ornaments and depleted stones, statues. So u go hand on there and know I'm with u always... Cheers gal!"

Thank you, Cyprus. Yes, I'm with you always, spiritually and mentally. Thank God for you.