Footprints...

I am standing at the exact spot in the hospital but with a total different feel.
It was almost the exact words, " I'll come get you in 15 minutes.."

Some people came into your life, left foot prints in your heart and left. Some came and left messy foot prints and too left... either way .... they messed up your routines.

Que sara sara... as I mumbled to myself... he came. The attendent helped me to the seat and we left for dinner.

A trip to the hospital, not something I wanted in the first place, not something I wanted to hear from the doc as well... Suddenly the empowering hatred for myself sets in, yes, I hate myself ... so much...

I am nothing but trouble... problematic... I am a total piece of junk and a miserable emo one too.

Enough is enough ...

Simply, I cannot blog of good things of late... Everything is falling into pieces.

I have had enough... ENOUGH !

When can I end all these? How much longer?

"Oh, sweet sorrow, the time you borrow, will you be here when I wake up tomorrow?"

Signed ...
shadow - comparative darkness

Paul-san ...

The surgery was over and done with, from 1450hrs till 1645hrs and the feeling sucks, big time.

Frankly, I wanted to cry all the way home, as I looked around the folks in the recovery area, I saw them with family members. And I have to face this... all alone. It was then I remembered Julie and the pain she went through, alone! And now I can truly understand that.

I turned down the offer to be wheeled. I turn down the nice requests from the nurses, I told them I want to go through this alone .... That was right after I made that phone call that truly gave me the strength to take my first step out of the surgery ward ...

"I have problem walking. Just done. U think you can drop by?"

"I don't get off work till 5.30pm, ..... public transport.... peak hour....."

"Its ok then, thanks!"

Enough said, I'm never going to beg for anything from anyone now...

I suppose God has a purpose to everything, He never want to make me suffer right in the beginning. If was then when this sms came from him, "I am leaving city now and I am coming to get you". I made it to the pharmacy to collect my medication and I made it to the taxi queue and before I knew it, he whisked me off into the taxi, leaving a queue of people behind me ... staring at this big guy, almost carrying me ...

I turned to stare at him, tears in my eyes and I murmured, "Thank you stranger, Thank you Paul ..."

My innocent mind ....

I decided to skip my run and stayed in house, sipping my wine and listening to my favorite jazz.

Somehow, alot of things came to my mind... I can't help but to shed a few tears. Yes, I am tired, tired of all that has happened, that had once... made me happy and unhappy. Ironic, it is... but I want a break. I am looking forward to my medical leave, never did I know that a surgery, has indeed opened up my heart and mind to let thoughts slipped into my innocent mind, a mind so jaded with lust and hopes.... these have indeed set my heart to ponder what I really want in my life. I want my life to be simple, simplicity is the word, but why.... why... how can I achieve that? Am I difficult? Am I a perfectionist? Yes, Gerrie, where's the pivot point???
The answer is NO, NEVER ! ....

I need a break and that is all I wanna... a warrior rests, doesnt he???

Uncertainities ahead...

Just when I thought everything is going on just fine ...

If a surgery is inevitable, I am game enough to take the step.

Amidst, the uncertainities of what lies ahead, I went ahead to take a short break.

For this time, I managed to capture my memories ... of the food! And I am a one big sinner becoz I've been eating so sinfully. I swear I am at my fattest and most unfit stage now -- physically and mentally. Photographs to prove, be my judge, be very judgeful ...

Dai pai tong

Cha Chang Ting

I had meals and snacks at many other smaller joints... And I am feeling too guilty to post more pictures :) This is enough for me to feel bad for the longest time...

Till I pen again....

shadow