I am What I am ...

A New Life ....

2009-12-29T04:42:00.000-08:00

I leaned back on the sofa and closed my eyes...

Everyday the same thought comes to my mind.

This is the start of a new life. But where is my life taking me?

Transfix...

2009-08-24T08:11:00.000-07:00

"Then it comes to be that the soothing light at the end of your tunnel was just a freight train coming your way..."

Should I be happy that I've realised it sooner or should I be sad because that's what it will be...?

I believe in destiny.... do you?

-- shadow

Mesmerising moments....

2009-06-15T02:48:00.000-07:00

The beautiful sunset...

Nothing really matters anymore, when the night falls, you are alone with such serendity, peacefulness and all you had at that moment was the sea right in front of you, the sound of the waves whispering sweet nothings....

--shadow

100%

2009-03-21T09:55:00.000-07:00

I came across this article in a blog which I was surfing randomly....

"A boy and a girl were playing together. The boy had a collection of marbles. The girl had some sweets with her. The boy told the girl that he will give her all his marbles in exchange for her sweets. The girl agreed.
The boy kept the biggest and the most beautiful marble aside and gave the rest to the girl. The girl gave him all her sweets as she had promised.That night, the girl slept peacefully. But the boy couldn’t sleep as he kept wondering if the girl had hidden some sweets from him the way he had hidden his best marble.

Moral of the story:
If you don’t give your hundred percent in a relationship, you’ll always keep doubting if the other person has given his/her hundred percent. This is applicable for any relationship like love, friendship, employer-employee relationship etc. Give your hundred percent to everything you do and sleep peacefully. It’s nice to be an important person, but it’s more important to be a nice person."

My sorrows, their joy...

2009-02-15T07:03:00.000-08:00

"I want only you to share my sorrows .... for anyone can have my joy..."

-- shadow

Forgetting...

2009-02-02T07:07:00.000-08:00

"I remember to forget, I forget to remember..."
~ full of emotions, full of hurt or full of relieve.. you decide....

- shadow

Back to the REAL world again...

2009-01-28T07:22:00.000-08:00

Well people, once again... Happy New Year.
May all good tidings and blessings bestow upon you in the year of Ox.

Had a mini gathering during the first day. Pictures to follow.
The usual visits to the cementries and to Aunt's place on the 2nd day. We were so busy catching up and I forgot to take some pictures with her, cursing silently on the way home.
Usual browsing around the quiet shopping centre in the East, sitting along quiet cafe to enjoy a cup of ying-yong....

Its back to the real world tomorrow. Two whole days of rest away from work, nice but just not enough...

Gong Hei Fatt Choy

2009-01-25T07:58:00.000-08:00

Like all who sez, "Happy Niu Year".
Though I don't care the hoot much about celebrating Chinese New Year, I am more or less affected by the spirit and atmosphere of the Ox Year.

Can't help feeling this way when you do all your normal shopping, everywhere is blazing with songs like "cai shen dao" and all the "dong dong chian chian" stuff. Well, its the Lunar New Year and nothing much to complain about, we have two full days of rest, no work!

Again, its time to re-look, re-polish and re-visit some of the resolutions I set at the beginning of 2009. Its gonna be a better year...

The folks...

2009-01-12T06:50:00.001-08:00

I am a all-time jerk magnet.

Will jerks please leave me alone...

I am sick of these people and they are intruding my life. Please back off, please, please let me alone.

This is not meant to be a wordy blog, but just pictures that captured my smile.

Team Building in HV, Sistina in December 2008.

The Yellow Madness...

The power of teamwork

Cooking in process...

The crazy folks...

The crazy folks again with the kitchen staff.

The grand finale to the whole night.

Christmas Lunch in Woods, VC.

There are things I can change about myself, whilst things that I can't change .... that truly makes up of ME. This is me, the real me and I am What I am...

I mentioned about two close friends that I've written off from my list.

I have no rights to comment, but plain selfishness and being superficial are traits that I cannot tolerate in friendships. I have given what I can in times of need. True as the saying goes, true self emerges in times of turbulences. Enough is enough...

I m not borned into this world to live up to any nonsense from anybody.

--- shadow

Its 2009 ...

2009-01-05T07:38:00.002-08:00

Very outdated post, but really, there ain't much to blog these days.

The doctor discharged me today with an open appointment. Meaning, I don't have to go back to that awful place again. The awful checkups, the long waiting time, I left the place with a smile and a chirpy 'bye' to Prof Wong. Bleh... I hope I am not gonna see him again!

I came back from my trip with a sprained ankle and injured back and running a temperature. Thank you, thank you very much indeed. Awful but yet a fruitful trip. I am glad. There were lots to blog about my trip this time... new experiences with such... but there again... I am too lazy to write all about it.

Its 2009, and again, there are some resolutions that I will love to see myself achieving. I rather not write, these will be kept in my heart.

Flashback in 2008:-

1. I just realised that I am aging, my health is detoriating.... so badly.

2. I traveled out of Singapore more often than I expected. Well, with my health conditions, I wanna do as much as possible these days...

3. I had up close and personal encounters with jerks and that makes me a jerk magnet.

4. But of course, I have lovely encounters with people such as Paul-san and my long lost ang-mo, King.

5. I bought my first watch that I can truly call 'my-own'. Not really a watch person, but all of my watches were gifts, you see...

6. I experienced the feeling of going 'under the knife' on two occasions.

7. I striked off two close friends from my list.

I can't think of any at the moment. I'll add-on again when memory strikes back.

The start of 2009 has been good so far, I pray that it stays that way. At least, I am back to my active self once more. A better me, a more confident me.

I spent my Christmas with Julie, a once cancer-striken patient. Her encounter truly made me sit up tall, walk tall. I'll blog about her in time to come, her words, her messages that touched many of us when she was ill.

Something quick and dirty at this juncture as I am tired and need my sleep. Here are some pics..

Dinner and Dance - 14 Nov 2008 @ The National Museum

Cheers to 2009!

Till next time...

shadow

Good night people!

Jaded ...

2008-12-11T08:11:00.000-08:00

Jaded... that's what I want to say....

Till I am back again... I am happy I am getting away, for a breather...

-shadow

Good things to come?

2008-12-05T23:44:00.000-08:00

I hope things will be turning better as the year is coming to an end.
Its time to think of what I want to do and achieve for 2009. I hate resolutions.
I hate the bit that things don't usually work out the way you want them to be. That makes me a very unhappy girl.

Things I really want to do at this juncture is to give a good spa and grooming session for the kitties at home. I've been neglecting my two loves.

Till I blog again,
shadow

Priority ...

2008-12-02T07:36:00.000-08:00

I am drained mentally...

Somehow this phase keeps ringing in my mind...

"Do not make a priority of someone if you are just an option in their life..."

I gonna live for myself... from this point onwards...

I am getting away again... an escapade, a form of relieve....
I am so looking forward.

Signed,
shadow

Footprints...

2008-11-27T08:24:00.000-08:00

I am standing at the exact spot in the hospital but with a total different feel.
It was almost the exact words, " I'll come get you in 15 minutes.."

Some people came into your life, left foot prints in your heart and left. Some came and left messy foot prints and too left... either way .... they messed up your routines.

Que sara sara... as I mumbled to myself... he came. The attendent helped me to the seat and we left for dinner.

A trip to the hospital, not something I wanted in the first place, not something I wanted to hear from the doc as well... Suddenly the empowering hatred for myself sets in, yes, I hate myself ... so much...

I am nothing but trouble... problematic... I am a total piece of junk and a miserable emo one too.

Enough is enough ...

2008-11-24T08:15:00.000-08:00

Simply, I cannot blog of good things of late... Everything is falling into pieces.

I have had enough... ENOUGH !

When can I end all these? How much longer?

"Oh, sweet sorrow, the time you borrow, will you be here when I wake up tomorrow?"

Signed ...
shadow - comparative darkness

Paul-san ...

2008-11-20T03:30:00.000-08:00

The surgery was over and done with, from 1450hrs till 1645hrs and the feeling sucks, big time.

Frankly, I wanted to cry all the way home, as I looked around the folks in the recovery area, I saw them with family members. And I have to face this... all alone. It was then I remembered Julie and the pain she went through, alone! And now I can truly understand that.

I turned down the offer to be wheeled. I turn down the nice requests from the nurses, I told them I want to go through this alone .... That was right after I made that phone call that truly gave me the strength to take my first step out of the surgery ward ...

"I have problem walking. Just done. U think you can drop by?"

"I don't get off work till 5.30pm, ..... public transport.... peak hour....."

"Its ok then, thanks!"

Enough said, I'm never going to beg for anything from anyone now...

I suppose God has a purpose to everything, He never want to make me suffer right in the beginning. If was then when this sms came from him, "I am leaving city now and I am coming to get you". I made it to the pharmacy to collect my medication and I made it to the taxi queue and before I knew it, he whisked me off into the taxi, leaving a queue of people behind me ... staring at this big guy, almost carrying me ...

I turned to stare at him, tears in my eyes and I murmured, "Thank you stranger, Thank you Paul ..."

My innocent mind ....

2008-11-18T04:32:00.000-08:00

I decided to skip my run and stayed in house, sipping my wine and listening to my favorite jazz.

Somehow, alot of things came to my mind... I can't help but to shed a few tears. Yes, I am tired, tired of all that has happened, that had once... made me happy and unhappy. Ironic, it is... but I want a break. I am looking forward to my medical leave, never did I know that a surgery, has indeed opened up my heart and mind to let thoughts slipped into my innocent mind, a mind so jaded with lust and hopes.... these have indeed set my heart to ponder what I really want in my life. I want my life to be simple, simplicity is the word, but why.... why... how can I achieve that? Am I difficult? Am I a perfectionist? Yes, Gerrie, where's the pivot point???
The answer is NO, NEVER ! ....

I need a break and that is all I wanna... a warrior rests, doesnt he???

Uncertainities ahead...

2008-11-15T09:28:00.000-08:00

Just when I thought everything is going on just fine ...

If a surgery is inevitable, I am game enough to take the step.

Amidst, the uncertainities of what lies ahead, I went ahead to take a short break.

For this time, I managed to capture my memories ... of the food! And I am a one big sinner becoz I've been eating so sinfully. I swear I am at my fattest and most unfit stage now -- physically and mentally. Photographs to prove, be my judge, be very judgeful ...

Dai pai tong

Cha Chang Ting

I had meals and snacks at many other smaller joints... And I am feeling too guilty to post more pictures :) This is enough for me to feel bad for the longest time...

Till I pen again....

shadow

Shadow...

2008-10-30T09:17:00.000-07:00

Back and again leaving soon....
Stress is a killer and I am glad I am able to take a short break, often...

"All love shifts and changes. I don't know if you can be wholeheartedly in love all the time..."

Till I blog again... adios, friends, farkers and losers ....

Penning off : Shadow
- like a shadow drifting... when there is darkness and a tiny ray of light... there is shadow and there is me....

Away from home...

2008-10-14T22:04:00.000-07:00

Yes... And soon again I am taking a break ....
I love getting away. So much...

Wiser years to come...

2008-10-12T00:24:00.000-07:00

He woke me up in the morning and still, I was almost late for work.

I found the nagging somewhat cute and interesting.

This is me, amidst that seriousness, discover the cute and playful me...

A fun event drinking over my birthday.

I built Chester! My first birthday gift! Love him to bits.

I am a year wiser...

Happy me, and many happy years ahead...

Shutting Me Self down ...

2008-09-09T06:12:00.000-07:00

Dear all,

I am taking a hiatus away from work, the cruel realities and the superficial people around.
I am downright tired...

Till I am re-energised enough to face the world again, a short bye to all that have been or trying hard to be helpful. Fark you all... may the army of thousand fleas invade your hair and every part of your bodies.

Bitchy ! and thank you, its another way of me telling you people to go eat cowdung and die. Leave me alone and if no one's gonna tell you what a person you are, then be it, you are down right ugly, that's what you are!

Signed off,

Fark you all again!

Getting over ...

2008-08-29T11:02:00.000-07:00

Getting over what been slapped on your face can be difficult...
To begin with, why should I even entertain!?

To them, I shunned away, everyone's living in their own dimensions, so fellow mates, keep your own ways of living to yourself... But spare a thought for others, that's what I can say!

Let's just put it this way, you live in your own dimensions, but dont expect others to live the way you do! Got it!? And please, get your own life and be happy with it.. I have my own to live too and enjoying the process of making my own a better one each day.

I may not be as healthy and as lively but I am enjoying every single moment, treasuring what I have with my own means to live a life more comfortably. That's what I asked for.. so stay away from me, live the life you want YOURSELF to be. Count me out, dont even give advice, coz if I need I will approach someone else.

I am planning for a quiet or few get aways for the following months, and am keeping myself busy with the logistics.

I am just frustrated with some that believes they are always right. Well, go on ... no one's stopping you! Jerks!

Lay off, back off, leave me alone!

Plans coming up, hopefully to surface soon... I want to share good news with all!

Till that happens, I believe very soon.... adios.

ps : Finally, its the weekend again and am looking forward to my zjmf! Thanks T dear...

Dashed hopes...

2008-08-28T07:37:00.000-07:00

It has been a disappointment.. but life goes on...
My break is coming up and I am definitely gonna make it happen and making sure it is a good break...

I know I have not been blogging of late. I've been caught up with some health and work issues, that I need to sort out and they are taking alot of my Personal time.

But at least I have something to complaint about. :)
A couple of issues at hand that I need to sort out, and seriously, I hope there are good things to share till I blog again.

For Larry, yea, thank you, you've gotten what you always wanted to do ... getting back at me! And here you go... you've asked for it! You've lost something you've never ever imagine ... haha... what a joke you've been and a Jerk too! A loser you've always been and you will be .. well, that reminds me of someone... hm...

I've been logging in to this blog for umpteen times without much to write, I've lost the ability to write so much that I rather penned it down in my heart.

Till I have the new-found passion to blog again... I am checking out here, with all my love, and Thank you for those who have been loving me, just the way I am...

With the bottom of my heart, thank you,

Connie and yes, I love you too...

I hope you are better ...

2008-08-19T06:54:00.000-07:00

Yea, bullshit... fuck them all dead.. doctors!

I have seriously nothing against them... But I am not alright! And can't they fucking tell!?
I am using this blog to track the amount of drugs I am on now ...

It was truly out of concern when the doc said " I hope you are alright... "
If I am alright and why is she giving me more medication !?

I am, officially, done! with my first legal dose of medication and I am starting my secondth..
And as long as I live, I am diligently, chomping down my medication as prescibed. And God knows, when will I stop all this shit...

I remembered, I told someone, this blog is going to be the least I can leave behind, if one day, just one day, I am not around anymore. Though for some reasons or another, I have chose to shut down my earlier part of my memories, in painful state. But here, I am taking this blog as a checkpoint to monitor my health and progress.

My blood test turned out fine, thank God. And I am scheduled for another a couple of months later. I am happy as life is, at this moment. There is nothing to worry about at this moment, life has been brisk and easy, I must say and I am glad. What can be worst?!

Nature has said he is trying to understand the complexity of life, truly I said I did... BUT, there are really too many grey patches, and I choose and I swear to my Grandfather's grave, that I will not try to understand anymore. Isn't it just peaceful if you don't want to know so much anymore?!

I want to be happy, just where I am now...

I know I've been too busy with work, but here's a few belated birthday greetings to:

Scotty, thank you being a friend for 20 years! Happy belated birthday! Trust you had a good one!

Steve, happy belated birthday. Keep mum, huh!? But I somehow remembered! Though a bit late!

To my dear Knapp, Happy xx Birthday this Sunday, may all your blessings and wishes come true! Last but not least, don't think so much la! Life is not so bad afterall, look around you, there are people that really, truly, need our attention! They are far more messed-up than we think they are. :)

Till I blog again, but before I end, thank you, dear for this afternoon. You pulled me out of shit, and I am grateful for that. Having a break away from the dungeons really helped. Good luck to your forthcoming exams, you can do it! Why, because I know you can. Chui ai hae yo!

Junkie...

2008-08-08T10:37:00.000-07:00

I simply find it too amusing...
The boys were debating about their cultures and countries.
Well, what I can say is... at the rate I am going, I am turning into a drunken... big time!
Of late, I am becoming a druggie f**king junkie too. With my ongoing medication, I've been down with flu and sore throat and am taking additional drugs to recover. Looking at the amount of pills, I am taking, I am totally pissed, albeit scared. I have to recover fast, at least from the flu bug.

To him ... sa lang ha yo ... hansa bo go si po!

Penned With love,
Connie

Love

2008-08-06T07:38:00.000-07:00

I am totally impressed by the working attitude of him...

Love him to bits ... If only... I can be like him...

Its like weeks I've been on my medication. I still hate the bitter aftertaste.

I had a dream.... and him ... why?

Random and such...

2008-07-28T07:56:00.000-07:00

I thought I must as well post some pictures, my life and me.

I have just finished my golf with Roger. I could have taken some pictures in the green and with him, but I were then too engrossed in the game. I did well and that maketh me a happy girl.

My trip to Thailand, Bangkok and some of the pictures I shot along the way...

My first dinner after I touched down.

This is my all time favorite cafe, I make a point to enjoy my coffee in this cafe when I am in Bangkok. Nothing beats watching the world goes by while sipping my latte.

My dinner at 0200 hours.

My lunch in the weekend market, Chatuchek Market.
Tea Break.

My last coffee break before I left the country.

Our tuk tuk driver .. let's just call him Mr BCI...

Our driver... shy driver ... that sent us to the airport.

Lastly, my dear folks, did you see the angelic or the devil-ish side of me?

Bittersweet...

2008-07-24T08:34:00.000-07:00

Smile... That's what I always do infront of the camera. To me, it is a form of respect to the camera and the camera man.

Happy I am, but I hate the bitterness of the medication. How long do I need to survive on that?
For that, I rather enjoy what I have... for now...

Bitter... Too Bitter...

2008-07-16T09:43:00.000-07:00

I wonder why the aftertaste of the medication can be so bitter.

Why it lingers... no matter how much I quench myself with fluids...

Do I have to continue ... ?

Pills ...

2008-07-07T07:38:00.000-07:00

The first day of my medication ...
I have to make it a point to condition my mind that I will be better soon.

... And I believe I will be better.

... I will emerge a stronger person... I pray...

Will You Miss Me?

2008-07-05T13:22:00.000-07:00

Never did I expect.

"Will you miss me?"

A phone call ... Something sweet and lovely ... before the Jumbo takes off. Bon voyage...

Cyprus ...

2008-07-02T10:48:00.000-07:00

I am reviving my blog for a reason :-

"Dun brood over things too much yea... No one mfg a lock withou a key, similarly God won't give problems without solutions! No one can go back and change a bad beginning BUT anyone can start now and create a successful ending .. heated gold becomes ornaments and depleted stones, statues. So u go hand on there and know I'm with u always... Cheers gal!"

Thank you, Cyprus. Yes, I'm with you always, spiritually and mentally. Thank God for you.